Bad Band Names

One of my favorite hobbies is creating bad band names.

(Listen to this song while reading this: http://team-love.com/home/wp-content/uploads/tl-43/Capgun%20Coup%20-%20Bad%20Bands.mp3)

Its also fun to imagine what these bands would sound/look like. Usually pretty goddamn terrible.

A sampling:

1. Hungry Burp.

The first bad band name. I have been known to say, "WE'RE HUNGRY BURP AND WE'RE HERE TO ROCK YOUR FACE OFF." This name was inspired by hungry burps (what a surprise). You know, when you're so hungry, you burp. It has a very specific taste and feel. Empty.

Hungry Burp would be a bro band. A band made up of men exactly like this :

They would be very bad at playing their instruments. Their songs would all sound the same, and the hooks would be made up of only a few words. Perhaps they would have a song titled, "Poop!" However, they would feel like complete, swaggering rock stars. They'd probably develop a coke habit and disintegrate. Too bad.

2. Fence of Melancholy

This band is "conceptual." Their singer has a voice that makes you question, "Is that a man or a woman??" Their songs usually have the words "blood" or "eternal" in them.

They'd probably look a lot like...

SHUDDER. I know. Pretty bad. This band's fanbase is made up of tweeny scene kids who dye their hair many colors and complain that their parents don't understand them. Avoid this band at all costs.

3. Cardiac Combustion

This band sounds like a heart attack. The lead singer is a girl, but she's backed by all guys. These guys are pale, and all want to bone the lead singer. She's thin, pale, and has eyeliner like a raccoon. Her haircut is bad, yet all the guys have the same haircut.

They sound like a girl sitting in her room that was decorated by her parents writing sad songs on her acoustic guitar. They've sold millions of albums.

Bad band names usually = bad bands. Not always. But usually.

Yearbook

Received this email today:

Mary,

We are not going to be able to use the quote that you submitted. Taken by itself, the quote is questionable. However, when put into its larger context and especially considering the use of the Lord’s name in vain right before it really puts it beyond the pale for a yearbook from a Catholic school, especially one in the Network of the Sacred Heart. So please submit another quote.

Thank you,

C. Krier

Duchesne Academy

The book that uses the Lord's name in vain? Why none other than Catcher in the Rye.

The questionable quote?

"Sleep tight, ya morons!"

Holden says this as he leaves his oppressive, strict college prepatory school, Pencey Prep.

I chose this quote as I leave my own personal Pencey Prep. I think that it is not only innocuous, it is perfectly suited to my personality and situation as I graduate Duchesne.

Not only is the quote perfect, it comes from a book that is a part of the Duchesne junior year American Lit curriculum. If the book is appropriate enough to be taught to Duchesne girls, it should be appropriate enough to be in the yearbook. The book was previously banned for a time in the United States, but I believed that Duchesne was more forward thinking than that.

The removal of my quote is a violation of my First Amendment rights to free speech. I think Mr. Krier should know that, being a government teacher.

If my quote isn't in the yearbook, know what it should be.

Interview Woes

Just had a college scholarship interview on the phone.

When they asked, "What historical person would you like to be?" I froze up. I couldn't think of anyone but George Bush and Mickey Mouse. I couldn't say that. I immediately turned to my favorite authors. No, I can't say Bukowski, he's a dirty old man...ah, YES:

HUNTER S. THOMPSON.

Now, I do think Mr. Thompson is a genius, and I respect him greatly. However, I don't really think colleges want their accepted student to idolize the man who said,

“I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.”

I say hoorah, Mr. Thompson. However, I'm sure Gonzaga says, "Oh god, she's into psychedelics, alcohol, guns, and sticking it to the man!!!" Give me your scholarship!! I'll spend it all on whiskey!!

This isn't the only less than exemplary interview I've had. When asked (also by Gonzaga), "If you were a fruit, what kind of fruit would you be?" I thought about it momentarily and blurted out,

"APPLE. FUJI APPLE"

Apple. The commonest fruit of the bunch. I'm just like everyone else! No one dislikes me! I'm occasionally mushy!!

Girl Crush

Ever see a chick and think "holy hell, she is hot!" Even as a heterosexual woman, I'm allowed my own girl crushes. I think. Maybe I take it too far. I have quite a few girl crushes...I think I just appreciate chix who are hot!

Let's see what urbandictionary has to say about this:

feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. a nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level.

A list:

1. Zooey Deschanel

Those crystal eyes...that adorable wardrobe....the beautiful singing voice...THOSE BANGS. Yeah, my bangs were inspired by Zooey. I admit, I copied a celebrity's hairstyle. Lame, right? But god damn is she beautiful...

2. Jenny Lewis

Yet another girl crush with bangs. If I was a dude, or a lesbian, my girlfriend would totally have bangs. Or else I would make her get them. After seeing Jenny Lewis rock the romper on stage....it was girl crush at its greatest.

Here is where I must end my list, because I feel super creepy. But really, who hasn't had a girl crush!

Men, I'm sure you've all had a man crush. Perhaps on Jake Gyllenhaal. Or maybe Brad Pitt. I know Joey loves Brad's beard-the one with the beads in it...He has even claimed before that, "That man can look sexy no matter what." I don't disagree. And I'd like to encourage Joey and all men to have man crushes. That way, I feel less creepy for my girl crushes.

Aging

I've always said "SHOOT ME WHEN IM 50." because I do NOT want to get old and not be able to do stuff. That would suck.

But then I see cute little old people and I think, "Aww, that's going to be awesome!" I mean, they just sit around all day and play solitaire and stuff. Or at least that's what my grandma does. I could make that life work for me

I just love little old ladies. I think they are so precious. Unless of course, they are incontinent or something unfortunate...

HOWEVER, a speed bump recently occurred in my "old people are cute" scheme. I googled "age me" and found the website http://morph.cs.st-andrews.ac.uk//Transformer/. It's pretty sweet. And by sweet I mean the technology is absolutely horrendous. You can see what you would look like as another race...if that other race were mangled to death by running a lawn mower over their face.

So, I aged myself:

shoot me at 50.

Missed Connections

Ever go on that part of Craig's List? "Missed Connections"? Where people who randomly have a "connection" with other people post inquiries, and the connectee is supposed to reply.

It's really a nice concept. Like, "Hey I saw you staring at me at the that stoplight. You're a creepy bitch with a harelip. Bite me."

I read it all the time. I've recently discovered that there's some sort of code word going around Craig's List Missed Connections Omaha. Sometimes, when "LUNCH" is referenced, the posters aren't really talking about eating salads and drinking bloody mary's. They're talking about some sort of orgy that goes on at a hotel. I'm not even making this up!!

At the lunch party Monday. - m4m - 40 (Omaha hotel)

You were the handsome, hairy chested, goateed cub that I worked with for some time prior to you satisfying the small framed bear on the bed... You left immediately after completing your task... I'm the big bear that was on the floor - really wanted to be in the same position that the small bear was in with you! I believe you have a new tatto on your left pex since last time - we played around at the last lunch party as well... I have lotza talents that I would luv to show ya one-on-one bud. Would really look forward to hearing from you!

http://omaha.craigslist.org/mis/1639331273.html

A little tempted to reply innocently to one of these posts. "Hey, I saw you at lunch too! Gee, your Mac and Cheese looked delicious! Maybe next time we can share fries!"

One of my recent favorites involves a woman changing her clothes in the car. Now I do that all the time. But this lady takes it too far:

Naked Woman - 25 (Lake Manawa)

I see you everyday at Lake Manawa changing your clothes in your car. You usually sit there for awhile naked gazing at the water. You never mind when I park near you.

I would like to get to know you!:) You are sooo beautiful.

Until then, thanks for letting me park next to you everyday.

http://omaha.craigslist.org/mis/1641327984.html

That's just obscene. I guess gazing at a nasty Nebraskan lake naked in a car while a creepy man parks nearby and obviously watches would be nice....

It's my life goal to have someone make a posting about me some day. Now if you know me, this is not an invitation to do so. But if you don't...pull up next to me at a stoplight or shop in the aisle at the grocery store and freaking post that shit on Craig's List.

I'll be reading. And yes, we connected.